simply laine*

You have something.

2012-02-15T11:25:00.000+08:00

11.20 am.

Outside Family Cereal S/B in Penang.

Valentine's Day is definitely overrated.

I didn't have any celebration whatsoever, I just have the chance to visit Penang and meet my friend there.

It’s always not the fancy gifts or overpriced flowers. It’s also not the lovely messages or the arguments in between.

It’s what happened after that.

If you’re still unhappy after all the lovely celebrations, it’s just not meant to be.

If you’re still loved, and love after all the bad experiences, you just made your love stronger on V-day.

If you love everything you’re having with a loving partner, you’re blessed.

If you started with nothing and end with nothing, god probably decides that it’s just not the right time just yet.

I started off with something, broken, mending it halfway, half of it still requires some love to heal.

I have nothing to begin with, but I think my heart just found something it needs.

It’s waiting for you.

When everything's not right.

2012-02-10T00:08:00.000+08:00

I want to give myself hope that things would change.

I tried, I can’t.

I wish things will turn out to be better the next day, but I’ll already have nightmares the night before.

It’s tiring. I don’t even feel like telling anyone about it.

Will it change anything if I tell you?

That’s if I’m able to talk to you, because there’re difficulties communicating with anyone lately.

Laine.

Tonight.

2012-02-09T23:28:00.000+08:00

Some facts I don't want to know

2012-02-08T23:05:00.000+08:00

They say a woman starts aging at the age of 25, where collagen production within a body starts to decrease.
That is why wrinkles and everything starts to be more visible from the age of 25.

So women at the age of 25 and above are always encourage to use anti-wrinkle skin care products. To maintain looking young, some eat collagen-rich food ( from the most expensive food such as bird's nest to collagen drinks)

What I do? I sleep and drink more water everyday.

KILL ME.

I DON'T WANT TO START AGING!

-EXTREMELY DEPRESSED MOOD-

Don't remind me of my age.

Laine.

You're not alone. My journey. The beach.

2012-02-08T01:03:00.000+08:00

I'm not alone. ( A cute Panda Pic from Deric Wong)

I have him to share my secrets with, I have friends that care, a "brother" that reminds me today that he still cares, family that love me unconditionally, Penny that treats me as her only world, and teddy bears that act as a reminder that...er..I have teddy bears. Yes, I love teddy bears. It's like a hero when I woke up from nightmares. Yes, A LOT OF nightmares nowdays. =( I think I'm taking this brown teddy bear down from my cupboard to my bed. My Dora Dora from Grace needs a companion.

________________________________________________

Dear blog,

You’ve been with me for about 7 years I guess. I have never let you go, because I’ll always have a lot to tell, to rant, and a lot more to remember. Most importantly, it’s because you’ll never run away from me.

I have a bad day today; it makes me tired, frustrated and miserable. Seldom feel that way, because I used to feel so safe back then. It’s always when we really do experience certain things in our life that we become tired of everything. I do feel that way today, I want to quit.

Then I know things weren’t right, I decided not to stay at home. Went out for dinner and supper, then when I returned home I knew I got to do a little thinking to remind myself why I have to go on.

No matter what path you’ve chosen, there bound to be sweet surprises, bad memories, anger and obstacles. But in the end, you just have to trust and follow your heart. It may be wrong, but at least you learnt. At least you’re no longer curious; you know you can settle down with it -Or the second or third choice.

Mine is quite a long journey. I think a lot tonight. Things I do, choose and work on is like a cycle.

But tonight, I promised myself that I’m ending it properly, for once and for all.

____________________________________________________________

The beach has always been a peaceful place for me to visit. It’s always the ideal place for me to relax and have a romantic moment with my loved one.

I still remember the first experience (or rather the first experience that I “couldn’t experience”) is when I go to PD with my form 6 mates. I still remember the date, which is 10 December 2006. It was supposed to be part of a celebration with my boyfriend at that time, which we have already discussed before we go that we’re going to walk at the beach at night. Somehow things happened, and he decided not to take that walk. So since then, the beach becomes a place where I’ll be slightly emotional. It’s a dark romantic feeling. Somehow I do manage to take that walk with my girlfriend, FY the next morning during that trip.

When I visit that place again in year 2009, the dark feeling become something different…it became peaceful. But something is missing. It’s like I can never find the last parcel piece I guess.

The same goes to 2010 and 2011.

Tonight, I feel like I need to return to the beach to fill in the last parcel piece. I want to tell the beach that I brought back the same person I’ve once let go, that things could be different this time. That I will be more determined, or rather I could reverse what was once regretted.

I want to tell the same beach, that this time, there’s no longer any missing parcel piece. I’ve found.

( If you really read this post from top to bottom without missing any single paragraph, thank you.)

Love,

Laine

It hurts

2012-02-07T01:01:00.002+08:00

I'll disconnect myself with the world a little bit, because it takes time to heal.

Love,
Laine.

Guys like that still exist? (Part 1)

2012-02-04T19:54:00.000+08:00

...NONSENSE. ENDANGERED SPECIES.
LOL.

Love,
Laine.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

2012-02-03T21:09:00.001+08:00

Dear Laine,

You’re reminded today about this:-

“You can’t depend upon other people for what you want, and you can’t be scared to go out there and get it. You have to dream hard, wish big, and chase after your goals, because no one else is going to do it for you. And even if things don’t work out, you’ll always be able to say you tried.”

I believe that we are who we choose to be. Nobody’s going to come and save you, you’ve got to save yourself. Nobody’s going to give you anything. You’ve got to go out and fight for it. Nobody knows what you want except for you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don’t get it. So don’t give up on your dreams. Stand up and make them happen.”

True enough. You’ve been very tired depending on others to feel better, to gain what you want. Now you’re one step closer in pursuing things you’ve always wanted. You decided to continue your ACCA again.

You did a good job today. You feel good without heavy makeup or heels on, or hiding from the others. You finally accept how you looked naturally, and decided that it’s not that bad! Most importantly, you acknowledge the feelings of others about you. You quit denying, and accept everything with a genuine smile; especially when it comes to compliments you received today. You smiled sincerely, and you treat the others well without feeling forced.

Your confidence is slowly returning to you. You actually played the piano quite well today. It’s because you took a deep breath, and trust yourself more than you’ve ever been in years. People actually stop in front of your studio to listen to you. That is probably your first time.

This proved that you couldn’t be as bad as you thought you are. God blessed you with everything you need, and once you’ve make good use of it, you can’t be that bad. Look what you’ve accomplished. Take a few minutes to reflect what you’ve achieved.

One very important person to you told you last night that you’re actually good inside out. Trust him. If he says your personality is awesome, prove him right. If he says that you look good, show him that he’s correct. If you deny, you’ll surely prove him wrong. No, don’t do that.

It’s time for you to come out from your safe zone.

Remember laine,

Get what you want.

Love,

Laine.

Too mushy for daylight.

2012-02-03T00:26:00.007+08:00

Got this from FB:

My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
“Why?” he asked, shocked. “I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!” I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times. My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can’t even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me:” What can I do to change your mind?”
Somebody said it right, it’s hard to change a person’s personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : “Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let’s say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?” He said :” I will give you your answer tomorrow….” My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes…. My dear, “I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further..” This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
“When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way. You always have the cramps whenever your “good friend” approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom. You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand… and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face… Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do… I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. ”
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting… and as I continue on reading… “Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk… I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread….
Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone…

MORAL LESSON: That’s life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.. . flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… and that’s our life… Love, not words win arguments

Yes it's true.

And do not harm yourself in anyway because it does more harm to the person that loves you. Live a healthy lifestyle! Exercise more, don't drink and drive, don't smoke and most importantly, no drugs!

I know. Not related at all.

But it's true isn't it?

Love,
Healthy Laine

The darkest.

2012-02-01T22:19:00.001+08:00

Felt as though I don’t need to do it, but I still do.

Knew I just have to affirm it, but I haven’t; or rather can’t.

Just one gesture and I’m hurt.

Just a thought and the four walls in my heart are built in next to no time.

I’m once confident and that confidence lights up everything.

I understand how it can make everything seemed better, as a matter of fact, that confidence is as strong as your strength, and define almost as much as the beauty in an individual. I gave in to my insecurities, because it’s so convincing I no longer can fight for myself. Maybe my thought is right, there’s no reason whatsoever to be the only one that deserves that one thing that’s only meant for someone.

I don’t know. It’s down to the core- A little too much to believe or to stand up again.

Every now and then, I question myself. It’s so difficult to be an optimist, I think I almost decided to settle in the dark, because then the blame would be on me. Then, I won’t fall again.

But this isn’t right. Everyone deserves to be loved. But I can’t love myself.

I'm going to change this.

I can love my friends for being caring, for being understanding, and admire their beauty in anyway. But why not myself? Do I deserve it?

You're like the cool breeze on a hot day. It's always brief, but I smiled for a while before it fades for almost forever.

Laine.

you were here.

2012-01-31T00:15:00.000+08:00

Sounds of the fireworks.

Alone in my bedroom.

Wishing I don't need to be like that.

Laine.

When the four walls came down.

2012-01-30T01:06:00.000+08:00

God makes everybody special in their own way- there's always something to love and something less desired in everyone; because we know that nobody's perfect.

But will there be somebody who loves everything in an individual? All the imperfections and the past that haunts?

We've all heard about how a person can love everything about the other half when the love is true.

But is it just a saying, or that it's true?

As I've said, nobody can achieve perfections.
So, if you've discovered that you love that person so much that the imperfections became something unique to look at, something so different and yet it's easy to embrace,
everything about that person becomes a reason for you to love,
be it the good or what it is that defines her,
something the person has, and only be owned by one.
That something moves you and wanted to be the only one that's part of it,
Your heart gain warmth.

Have you?

What you're waiting for?

Love,
Laine.

The one that differs.

2012-01-28T01:00:00.000+08:00

We all have stories from the past.
Some interestingly memorable, some are devastating.
It's all different from each other, but with only a similarity.
That is if we're going to build a future from our vision, we must first leave the past behind.

That's when we forgive though we know we can never forget somehow.

"I am not letting your past haunt my future.
Because we're working together based on trust."

"I'm not the best, but I will be the best you've ever seen"

Love,
Laine.

The ear of the blind.

2012-01-26T01:11:00.001+08:00

The brief freedom is almost over.

I wanted to get the most of it every time when I have my holidays.

There’re a few more days to go, before I have the random blues daily because of my work and probably…studies.

I had an awesome CNY this time, mainly because I felt as though I’m finally at home- emotionally. I have my family, my friends, and my special one. Everyone’s nearby. So I dressed up every morning, smile and everything’s ready to go. First day of CNY is hectic enough, but that also means I’ve met all people that are important to me, and I did what I should do. At the end of that day, I was so exhausted that I couldn’t go on anymore that night. He sent me home without any complains.

It’s a little R&R on Tuesday.

Cny day 1& 2 : learnt that if somebody is important to you, it’s not the place you go or the thing you do. (Then of course it’s awesome if the place is interesting too) It’s the conversation you have with that person, and how you’re being treated. You won’t feel like you have to share the attention with somebody else’s phone, or anything else. Nothing comes before you.
Wait. I know that fact long ago, but I didn't realise I actually should not think there's any grey area to tolerate with that fact.

Went to Neway at Times Square with Grace and FY today. It was fun spending time with friends. The interesting part is, I actually enjoyed shopping alone before and after spending time with them.

Cny day 3: Learnt that I need some alone time (shopping especially) to clear off my mind.

I’m afraid.

After this brief holiday, I need to face it again.

Sometimes it’s as though I’ve finally break the four walls within me. The ice’s melting. But it’s an endless effort to try to remind myself of the light I’m imagining at the end of the road.

I don't know what's for tomorrow, or the day after that. But one thing for sure, I don't want to know what's ahead.

Let the brief freedom be a period of ignorance, to create beautiful memories.

Love,

Laine.

Then pain comes in the way.

2012-01-20T22:56:00.000+08:00

It's a shame that I'm in pain, having to release a little by blogging through my phone.
It's such a shame that my hands are shaking, tyring real hard to sleep...
Praying that my teaching in three group lessons will be fine tomorrow.
To endure the pain my medications caused me,
But would be harder not taking it.

Such a pain to know that nobody understands.
More painful to know many would try to understand what it feels like, but would never be able to.

Such a shame that's I have no choice,
Other than lying down here and hope that I'll be fine by tomorrow.
Such a shame that I probably suffered a little more than usual,
And had thought of giving up everything.

I probably should have, than clinging to this thing called hope.
Working hard, harder still mentally, to reach my goals.
But the torturing part haunts at night.
I probably should have known certain dreams are purely not mine.
But you tell me it could be.

What other choices I have?
At times dying seemed easier than having to push myself to the limits just to stay awake.
Stay awake to show them the beauty of music,
When I haven't even discover the beauty in myself.

But when I did it today when I actually thought of giving up,
I smiled.

When I see their joy, my pain ease a little.

When they thanked me,I smiled in return.

I took a step further when you say you love me.

yes, I need to stand on my own. But without anyone, I'm walking backwards.

So when hope's fading, don't forget to love.
Love your family, your job, your everything.

Because we can't live without love.they remind us why we're alive.
Don't wait to love. Never wait, cause you won't know when they'll be gone.

Love with all your heart.
Cry when you need to.
Love because you want to. Find someone you want, not someone that's convenient to have.

Dream, because we're all dreamers.
With hope, and love.

I might be suffering, but I have faith that keeps me going.
I might forgot at times, where love reminds me of the path I'm pursuing.

Laine.

The little things that can make me happy.

2012-01-16T23:05:00.006+08:00

Things worth being happy ( I think I said that I should post pictures to remind myself I should't be sad):-

Went shopping alone today at KL Festival City...and I bought:

Oh wait, the black and the pair of pink clips is from Wangswalk a few days ago. ( Korean's fashion )

Besides that, got a pale pink dress that I really love!! (NOT taking picture of it. It's a surprise!!!) =) The new hair clip and earrings are to match it! There's also a pair of stuff to match it. NOT taking picture of it too! 2 secretive items!

Yes, took picture of my new perfume as well, because it's also pink in colour. It's all new!

These are the accessories I got the past few months.

New flats, because my scoliosis isn't treating me that well. Got these on 1st of January. You know what, it actually looks good. I know how heels are sexy and all, but flats are cute.
Oh my god, I didn't take picture of my new bag that I received on the same day. How could I. IT'S ALSO PINK IN COLOUR! MATCHES MY DRESS SO WELL! [ excited for nothing like a crazy lil girl]- embracing pink like a little girl again. It's been a long time.

(Apparently there is High Definition eye brow pencil and eyelash glue which is black in colour for a more convenient application)

Oh ya, bought this at Parkson in KL Festival too. Nothing expensive. Thank god my foundations, mineral loose powder, lipsticks, eyeliner and blusher from Estee Lauder and Dior still can tahan for a long time. Concealer and fake eye lashes are the one that need to be restock every few months.
Oh, I bought lip balm today too!! ( Had 4 ulcers last week, and applied lip balm every hour, which finishes it) Now that will complete the look for this Chinese New Year.

New clothes from mummy, bought from Kitschen. I bought a polka dot tube top too.

New jacket from Mango. There's also a spag. stripe which I have no picture of it.

Another scarf from mummy. Love it. Have a pink one too.

Another new scarf, polka dot one from Mango. Thanks to Beh.

New hairstyle. Crazy hairstyle. But am trying hard to make it look good. I blow dry it, sometimes tie it, clip it whatever it is.

New red top, but that's from last Dec. Got a bodycon dress too. Both from...er...Nichii I guess?
Last but not least, something warm like this (but it's not home cook...but it's ok):-

So, Laine...why are you still depressed? Let little things like that cheer you up! No, this is not shallow. This is appreciating what you have.

Yes, I splurge a little this month, because I am really unhappy ( but mostly because certain things I really need it)

Love,

Laine, for Laine.

The other side

2012-01-16T00:32:00.000+08:00

It’s not because the life given isn’t good enough.

She just can’t heal from the constant pain.

The endless misery about whether or not true love exist at times.

Family, friends, couples.

Ah, ridiculous thoughts.

Laine.

Tired

2012-01-15T23:49:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's an endless chase.

Laine.

"This I promise you"

2012-01-14T23:21:00.003+08:00

Feel as though to believe again is like giving myself a chance to see this life in a better way.
I hope.
I believe.
I felt more alive.

Love,
Laine

Insecure

2012-01-12T21:43:00.001+08:00

“I’m ok”

That’s untrue.

But what can you do if I don’t say that I’m fine?

It’s definitely hard to please me at times. But you say I shouldn’t compare myself with the rest. So I don’t for this.

I don’t know why I’m unhappy at times. I know, I should be grateful. I AM.

But I just can’t figure out why I’m feeling like this. I just feel insecure after all the incidents.

Can you help me?

Can you just tell me you'll be here no matter what? That everything doesn't matter?

I know how they say there'll always be people that are better than you. But the point is to find somebody that will still love you, knowing there's always something better but it doesn't matter to him.

Will you?

I’m just so numb after a long period of feeling insecure and everything. Every single minute, I’ll question myself. I’ll question the others. I’m afraid you’ll run away from me. I’m afraid that I won’t be good enough, or smart enough. I know, you people will think this is ridiculous. It’s not that I don’t know, but I can’t help myself.

I spent my whole afternoon and evening on my bed, afraid to look at myself in the mirror, afraid to do my lesson planning because part of me thinks I’ll fail no matter what.

But I promised myself that I’ll dress up to work tomorrow. I’ll take a picture of myself. I’ll also do 3 of my lesson planning for this Saturday tomorrow. No matter what. At least I try my best.

Is that correct?

Love,

Laine.

The random goodbye

2012-01-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

"What do you actually want?"

I don't want to be abandoned.

I don't want to be the "second option". That's a sensitive issue.

Just to be cherished.

Things like that, I wouldn't even talk about it in front of anyone.

Dear blog, you're my faithful companion.

To let go is to collect all bitter memories and let it go all at once.

1. How I'm only the back-up plan.

2. How I wasn't even getting any attention when I'm right in front of the person.

3. How I'm betrayed.

4. How my birthday was just a day together that ended up in a fight.

5. How V-day and B-day is a joined celebration. I hate joined celebration. Makes either one not special.

6. How I wasn't appreciated just the way I am.

7. How people can just walk away like that.

8. How people could just judge me without considerations.

So within these four walls, I can only hope that such anger and resentment could be washed away by a new life I'm living.

Let's hope this year is a better one.

Life's a little tougher again.

Since running away is not an option, I can only have faith that things'll get better in time.

Love,

Laine

Never happy.

2012-01-11T00:26:00.000+08:00

Yes, I haven't been happy for a very long time.
I'm angry.
Always.
No sense of accomplishment, whatsoever.
Always in misery.

I hate dealing with people. No social events please.
I don't want to waste my time to please all the people that's not going to remember me, when I don't even have the time to make myself happy.
I don't care what they think about me. Not my concern.
You want a friend to accompany you to some celebrations?
No, don't find me.
I HATE SOCIAL EVENTS.
I'm already insecure with how I look, so I don't fancy being judge in public.
Enough said.

Listen.

2012-01-08T22:26:00.000+08:00

I could use thousands of words to describe how I feel, but that’s useless to me.

All I could say is, it’s like finding a suitable pair of flats for my big feet.

I think I found.

___________

Sometimes our journey seems exhausting; we then decided to take a break before we continue the journey that will be endless if created by temptations.

Most of the times, we actually forgot that it was a break, we then head to the other direction, leaving it behind.

Some say it’s meant to be.

Some say it’s a fork road.

It actually depends on your heart. If you want it to be that way, then it is meant to be.

A change of direction is only a change in heart.

So sometimes we just have to close our eyes and listen.

Love,

Laine

I stayed strong this afternoon.

2012-01-06T21:12:00.001+08:00

Dear god,

I know I'm not better than any of them, but I'll try my best.
Medicines and everything is taking it's toll on me.
I know I can't sing now, but I'll just try my best to sing tomorrow.

I'm not as hardworking, but I'll try to perform with confidence tomorrow.
I know I'm never the best.
But I have to have faith in everything.

You know how they say you'll actually do better when you've faith?
I believe in it.
So if anything happens, maybe it's meant to be.
___________________
Between responsibility and health..
You know how some people know their priorities because they choose what they can't live without.
But sometimes it's not only what you can't live without, it's what the person you love need.
When together, it becomes a goal.
If we can't put both together, it's never meant to be.
-----------
They might need me, but it's not something I could live with for a long time.
Could it be that I'm not meant to be theirs?

Or is it because I can never last long in anybody's heart?

Love,
Laine.

whatever.

2012-01-05T14:39:00.000+08:00

This don't feel right at all. If I don't get enough rest now, I'll go crazy.
I want to run away, but I don't want to be alone.
Would anyone let go their current life for a future with me?
I'm delusional.

Going through a major change in life again.
Seriously, these two years ain't easy at all.
I'M TIRED.YOU GET ME?!

Laine.

Nothing lovable.

2012-01-04T01:18:00.000+08:00

Everything is so dark.
Guide me.
I'm losing control, I don't want to be lost anymore.
But to come out from the dark, I have to find a source of light.
I don't want to die just yet.

Laine.

and it's a new year.

2012-01-02T21:12:00.001+08:00

Giving affirmation to something so subjective, something the others could not even face it head on at times.

Putting on confidence like it exists to go on without a core.

Playing games by the rules knowing there’s loopholes.

I knew I’ll fall.

Will things change?

It’s like carrying an umbrella in a small bag, in case it’ll rain.

Sometimes it happens, but the preparation is a little troublesome. It occupies weight. It can be heavy.

I rather not carry it at all, we’ll be wet if it’s heavy rain anyway.

We can’t be sure of the weather.

I had stop trying to please anyone already.

Laine.

Not apparent

2011-12-30T00:57:00.000+08:00

I'm emotional.

I forgot why am I staying strong and am learning to love myself more each day again.

No, it's not as simple as that.

We all know it's not that, because we knew what will happen.

Why am I doing all these?

No wonder I have a personal blog. I have too much nonsense to talk about.

Out of love,

Laine.

Some nonsense for Laine today.

2011-12-30T00:06:00.006+08:00

Bought Tresor in Love by Lancome today!

Finally, a different brand after a few type of fragrances from DKNY.
Was trying to find an image, and this is what I found on Lancome's web:
The treasured moment when everything starts, a liberated spirit of romance conveyed with floral notes... Both luminous and vibrant, sensual and radiant, Trésor in Love is a soaring hymn to love. The heroine of Trésor in Love lives her love story with a desarming spontaneity. Just like the mixed feelings of a young woman in love, when the infinite sweetness of the meeting becomes confused with the intensity of the feelings, the juice of Trésor in Love was made with many constrasts: a new irresistible floral, composed of a touch of nectarine and wood of cedar, a characteristic rose and a bright jasmine. Object of desire with slender lines, the bottle of Trésor in Love delivers a resolutely modern energy, like an essence of today. A black satin rose adorns the bottle like a lucky charm around the neck.

Source: http://www.lancome.com.sg/

The description is so...marketable. lol. Young woman in love, with infinite sweetness. I shall not use this after 30 then.

Would like to get Coach's Poppy perfume spray next time, love to use different perfumes for night and day.

Perfume smells different on everyone, and that's the beauty of it.

Love,
Laine

I smiled..

2011-12-29T01:28:00.002+08:00

although things might not be as smooth as I always wanted.

I close my eyes and remind myself what people with positive aura always tell me. I recalled all the positive energy given.

__________

Give yourself some time to think who the person that understands you most is.

…because you’ll never feel alone that way.

It’s harsh thinking there isn’t anyone that’s with you. There must be at least one.

The one that’ll catch you when you fall. The one that will be helping you when you have nothing. The one that will tell you everything is going to be fine and taken care of.

Be it my mum, dad, or any person that cares.

Because all I need now is to know somebody will catch me when I fall. 2012 is going to be as challenging as this year I guess.
_____________

Year 2012

# Save more money. It seems that I CAN NEVER SAVE. Something must always happen when I have savings. Need more money for my trip next year.

# Be more positive. I have to convince myself that I’m not alone.

# Give more. I feel good when I help people.

# Cure. Or heading to the right path at least.

# Learn.
______________

Watched The Back-up Plan by J.Lo again.
Love it for all the deep meanings behind it.
Have been watching one movie everyday for 3 days already.
______________

Listening to: Halo by Beyonce

Meaningful lyrics, a fresh start from everything.

and it always starts with the end of something.

Time is always given for plenty of reasons.

Time is definitely money! Well, sides that...

It heals, it proves certain things wrong or right, it's testing your patience, it's everything.

Love,

Laine

"A thousand more"

2011-12-27T20:53:00.001+08:00

I wake up one morning realizing it’s my off-day. The annoying part is there’s always something unimportant that I need to worry about when I’m not busy.

“Knock it off already, it’s your holiday”

No, it doesn’t work that way. So I never once think that it’s relaxing on my holiday. There’s always something to do. Actually it wasn’t anything necessary, but I just can’t let go of anything, and I hate this part of me.

So right now, at 8.25pm, I tell myself there is at least 3 proper hours for me to learn to enjoy my day before it ends.

So what if my pedicure was ruined because I was wearing shoes? I can always paint it back.

So what if they think I’m not doing the right thing? I think I am. If I don’t, I’m giving myself a chance to learn from my mistake.

If I don’t take it lightly, I’m only suffering from it and I go to bed angry. No point doing so, because I’m not dying from that tiny problem.

____________________

I can’t sleep well two days ago for being too worried how the person I care and love think about me.

I’m afraid he thinks I’m crazy for worrying things like that.

And so I spent the last 24 hours thinking, people that love me, they tried to convince me that I am fine.

If they think I’m fine, then I do.

I need to stop thinking and worrying petty things like that.

I find people to talk to when I'm down.

Yes, certain things are better untold. But if it eats you up from the inside, what's the point?

M told me, " everyone deserves to be heard"

I'm probably the weaker type, because I can't hold it all together at times.

No, tell me I'm not.

B told me I'm doing fine.

Sometimes it’s how you think about it.

Thinking back, i can actually be a happy and simple girl. That doesn’t mean one is shallow.

I just choose to be happy.

Maybe next time I should post 5 pictures that makes me happy in a week to remind myself.

____________________

Career, it’s important.

But I can’t focus on it if I am not making myself happy first.

“Let it go, everything is fine, you’re loved”. That’s how I convince myself.

_________________

So I'm going to find some food for supper, not worrying that I'm going to be fat.

I'm not going to look at my nails and think it's ugly and be sad because I can't have long fingernails forever.

I'm not going to think what I don't have.

because I have a lot from unconditional love.

Love,

Laine

Intangible

2011-12-22T21:58:00.000+08:00

I’m afraid of everything.

I’m afraid of communicating with most of the people out there because they judge, no matter what.

Then again, it’s because I’m capable of pretending that I’m fine with everything that makes me stay where I am now.

Till now, I’m still afraid to look at the mirror.

I’m dissatisfied with everything.

So I tell myself I would at least make an effort to look at each person in the eyes and smile.

Whenever I’m so insecure with the way I look, I take a picture of myself.

There’s still a long way to go. So far, but I’m already exhausted.

But if everyone out there is fighting for their future, why am I stopping?

_________________

I told myself I’ll learn to completely forgive and forget people that once made my life miserable.

We’ve all made mistakes isn’t it?

Move forward, and remember to learn from mistakes.

We always hope for a second chance. If you’re given one, do feel lucky.

Most importantly, I want to forgive myself.

______________

It’s time for me to wake up already.

Yes, life does look like a bed of roses for certain people. But for most of us, we’ll just have to work for it.

So, here’s what I tell myself:-

Laine, smile to everybody. Greet them.

Smile to yourself whenever you look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself you look just fine.

People that love you will just love you the way you are, isn’t it?

If there are people that hate the way you look, you know they’re not for you.

And why torture yourself with all the hatred when you can forgive?

Forgive the others, forgive yourself. Start everything again.

Love yourself, because if you don’t, you’re not giving a chance for the others to love you.

And that’s a very difficult task I’m handling right now.

Convince me.

__________________

Whatever that's material, we can always earn it in time.

But to be able to truly love, you're really rich if you have it.

Love,

Laine.

awake

2011-12-19T23:42:00.002+08:00

and I love you too.

Love,
Laine

Last christmas

2011-12-17T22:45:00.000+08:00

Nothing is perfectly good today.

It's the usual working saturday with stress and everything.

But I feel contented tonight...because I'm on my bed at 10.35pm, getting prepared to sleep.

There isn't any special someone on my bed tonight like how it used to be.

There isn't anyone that's buying me gifts or anything.

I still have responsibilities and commitments.

But it's the feeling that you know you're safe, because there isn't anyone that's sleeping beside you that's going to betray you.

Because I'm on my own tonight, or any nights in the future if I have someone beside me, I know nobody I won't sharing my love with somebody that lies to me.

I know it's going to be peaceful sleeping alone tonight.

It better be, because I'll be teaching from 10 am to 7.30pm non-stop tomorrow.

Love,

Laine.

Look forward.

2011-12-15T23:48:00.000+08:00

Tonight marks a change of journey in my life.
I took a step forward, with fear and hope.
The future seemed uncertain, but it probably depends on how we're going to shape it.

because I know I have nothing without trying.
But I may have something I never had before if I have the courage to step forward.

and I shall face it.

Love,
Laine.

Cold

2011-12-13T23:34:00.003+08:00

Sometimes things happen again and again like a cycle, as if they’re testing your faith or whether or not you’ve learnt from your previous mistakes.
Who are we to decide?
I’m sick of running in circles.
It’s like watching a show with a predictable ending.
I don’t expect anybody to understand, because it’s not like it’s worth taking time to understand somebody that is totally unrelated anyway.
Why is it a repeated cycle?
I’m tired.

Listening to: John Hiatt- Have a little faith

Love,
Laine

Look at the stars.

2011-12-12T22:47:00.001+08:00

A secret only my readers here know:
I wish to have time to practice this song.
Yes I'm innocent like that.

I'm so busy I can't afford to get sick right now.
I need to get better instantly.

With twinkly love,
Laine.

ayer

2011-12-10T23:47:00.000+08:00

On my bed with my phone now.
I'm actually very tired, but it's my brain that's not giving me a rest.
Sometimes I'm complicating things.
It's not a problem if I actually just need to think it's not.
Why the blues then.
Ah, I'm out off my mind.

Listening to: Ayer

Love,
Laine.

Stay strong.

2011-12-09T23:55:00.001+08:00

I don't want to be one of those that will only “touch and go” in any matters in life. But I felt like one of them. I’ll question myself now and then about what kind of person I actually am. Am I consistent enough in my job? Am I performing well? Am I responsible enough?

I’m very tired of doubting myself. Quite often I wouldn’t even look at myself in the mirror for being afraid of realizing how much wrinkles I have, how ugly I would look without any makeup, then I figure it’s not that my makeup skills is the awesome anyway. But the insecurity in me kills me from the inside, because I wouldn’t even want to look at myself. I wouldn’t even want to make any eye contact with anyone if possible.

Then I figure if I dun take the first step to look at myself in a different way, nobody would.

Yes, I made a lot of mistakes.

There’re only two types of people -Those that learnt from it, and those that will continue to make mistakes.

Suffered from it, partly healed, and will continue to stay strong and only be wiser.

I guess I have to be positive. If I hate how I look, I make sure I find the right one to convince me I look good.

If I hate my work, I have to find people that make me love my job.

Reduce negative energy.

And live.

Love,

Laine

Reminder: it's a friday tml. No, not a good sign.

2011-12-08T22:50:00.001+08:00

I swear I'm going to be more organised from now on.
I can't take this crazy headache anymore. Painkiller please!
__________________
You make me wanna say I do.

Love,
Laine

Busy.

2011-12-07T23:33:00.000+08:00

My week's pretty hectic, most probably will last the whole month or even a few months.
My to-do list is so long I feel like being ignorant about everything and forget about the world.

But I'm still alive, that means I'm still responsible in making sure I'm "living"

It's okay, I know we're all working hard together.
Who doesn't?

Love,
Laine.

Once upon a time.

2011-12-06T23:17:00.000+08:00

and it's still so nice to listen to it.

Love,
Laine

Laine's 2011

2011-12-05T23:18:00.001+08:00

It’s December already.

This year isn’t easy for me. I went through a lot of different obstacles, solve most of it, and still am working hard in solving the rest.

I think it’s not how you start the year (though it still matters) but how you went through it, and how you end it.
It's time to reflect. ( I'll insert pictures of myself to see the difference)

January 2011

I realized I did not blog at all on January this year, most probably because I’m unhappy all the time. I was head over heels in love with the wrong person. Mostly lost inside me, and not knowing what path I am heading since I’ve just started teaching for a few months.

February 2011

It’s supposed to be an awesome month for me. V-day and my birthday’s on the same month, but it appeared to be one of the few horrible months of the year. (…and I can still laugh about it now, I’m awesome like that)

I spend the whole month under training at Yamaha’s headquarter, emotionally abused!!!

Yeah, and for the first week there, I don’t even know what the hell it’s all about. But I’ve learnt a lot. My birthday this year is the worst day in the whole year I guess. Sleepless nights, fought with somebody, cried, absent for training, and do nothing at a place I don’t belong.

But I guess all this make me a stronger person now. At least I don’t expect anything now. When you expect nothing, you’re happy for anything good. Even the slightest good deed can make you happy. So if bad things happen, you’re ready for it.

Some say I’m pessimistic, I think I’m protecting myself in a way.

March-August 2011

I’m in the dark. When I read back my blog, it’s all about “tell me you do love me”.

I don’t think I will do that anymore. I think I prefer to be told instead of asking for one.

If somebody cares, you don’t need to ask for it. You just get it. (I think so?)

At that time, I keep asking questions to get some sense of belonging, to get certain recognition from people I care. Then I realized, if they really do care, you get it right away when you look at them. They know and you don’t need to say a word. If you ask more than twice and you still don’t get it…I think it’s better to walk away. That’s what I tell myself now.

Got betrayed, walked out of it. Was hurting so much I wish I die. Plenty of questions, anger, sadness, and everything. Got rid out it, and I’m proud of myself.

September 2011

The most painful healing process in my life -That’s when I discover who my true friends are.

October 2011

I got slightly better from the “pain” and “downfall”. Had some problem that I have to solve and keep it to myself. After that car crash and everything, I felt like I’ve been through one of the worst, so since I’m at the bottom, the only way I could go is up. There couldn’t be anything worst anymore. Then I got a little more positive.

November 2011

Better than November. I have a little sense of achievement from my job and everything. But I’m still in the process of healing. Have a different view about life ever since. Found out that if a person wants to care about you, he cares unconditionally. There’s no need to ask or be angry over people that don’t give a damn about you.

Oh, and I had a bad hairdo. Corrected it after I complained to the director.

December 2011

Here I am, reflecting. My life this year isn’t exactly how I’ve sum it up, but it’s about there. Along the way, there’s anger, hatred, misery, disappointment and everything negative; but there’s also happiness in different ways that keep me alive. It’s not a bad year; it’s just a year where I learn the most so far.

Pursue your dreams. Pursue your happiness.

I have to love myself more.

Because if I don’t, I disappoint people that love me.

It’s not really the end of the year. Hopefully there’s better things ahead before year 2011 ends.

Sometimes it takes me some time to reflect to know what I have, or not.

Love,

Laine

When we're no longer teenagers.

2011-12-02T21:32:00.001+08:00

There’s so much going on that I don’t know where to begin with.

Parents are in China right now, and I have to spend the whole week at home alone, but somehow not really alone. So much housework all day and it’s never fun.

Work’s pretty crazy lately, so hectic I feel like yelling every single time I work. The management drives me crazy.

I somehow manage to go through it will a smile on my face everyday.

__________________

It’s as though god knows I need somebody to share my burden with, he sends a person to care about me.

So it’s always balance I guess. When most things seemed to be so dull, there must be something that’s bright.

I wish to keep that light, but why bother keeping when you know it will most probably fade away?

It’s like keeping some hope in the midst of all disappointments. Sometimes it’s a dream come true, sometimes it’s because I’m naïve.

I’ve step into it a little too deep then I thought. This feeling I am having now is more complicated than expected.

Is it time I stop being so pessimistic and begin having faith in the brighter side of life again?

Or is it time I stop believing that there’s ever going to be someone there for me? That I can trust no one from my experience? Stop thinking there is always a good ending?

Or that…good thing don’t always happen, it’s time to appreciate what I have already?

We’re the same. We try to improve in everyway . We try to get what we want.

What do I want?

" If you found out that you rather be with somebody you love anywhere than exploring the world alone, you're indeed in love"

Love,
Laine.

cut

2011-11-25T21:39:00.002+08:00

Ok...I had enough from everything..
Just tell me you care.

Love,
Laine

Don't.

2011-11-24T01:10:00.000+08:00

I thought of how people would discriminate one another...and I'm sad.

Love,
Laine

Reflections

2011-11-23T02:35:00.000+08:00

23/11/2011

Around 1 o’clock in the morning.

To be able to hear from the person that once hurt you years ago and acknowledges that he made a mistake. To hear from him that way after years, and to know that he knew he's wrong.

Priceless.

Love,

Laine.

Sea bed

2011-11-21T23:15:00.002+08:00

Here’s a house she made a home.

I was once rejected when I offer one; only to realize it’s only worth giving if the person at the receiving end thinks you’re worth it, thinks you’re irreplaceable.

I keep it to myself now. I feel home when I attend to my own feelings.

I'm home.

Love,

Laine

Coffee- a story behind the rich taste.

2011-11-19T23:54:00.000+08:00

Interest or passion is something developed from within, something we shouldn’t rely on anyone.

Interest shouldn’t die because of anything, just from my opinion.

It could start off from someone else, but shouldn’t stop there nor die because of it.

It was my brother that I start to love music when I’m still 3. I can remember the way he sings and plays the piano like there’s nobody else in the whole apartment.

It was his passion.

You’ll never know where that leads you to.

I’m afraid of a lot of things, so afraid my hand could literally shake so much that I can’t even play the piano.

But that doesn’t stop me from pursuing it.

Because I believe that pursuing your true interest is never hard, compared to having a comfortable environment, facing something you know you’ll never love no matter how good you’re able to achieve it. Because I’ve been there…so probably it’s time for a change.

I don’t know how it will be. I’ll probably be a loser in that field or something. But at least I can tell god that I’ve tried my best, and I can sleep at night without any regrets nor the need to wonder how is it like for me to be there…because I can tell myself that I’ve been.

Do you agree?

We're never old.

We can just either get wiser, or ignorant.

My current fav song:

Love,

Laine.

My mama taught me better than that

2011-11-17T23:12:00.000+08:00

I saw anger in my dreams, that deep hatred and anger that is enough to kill a person from the inside.

I tried to scream, beat, punch n even kill people

It tempts me to vent out my frustration in reality, but I knew doing it will just satisfy the devil in me.

I should be better than that.

Why bother being angry over something I could never change?

Why bother thinking about things that would never exist again in my life?

I want to care about people that actually care about me.

No fooling around with me anymore.

Once again, I appreciate whoever that’s with me all this time.

I wish I could be of any help to you guys.

Not many, but one or two good friends are already good enough, as I always say to myself.

On holiday next Tuesday till Saturday!!! Excited!

If there's any reader here, shall we dedicate 5 minutes of the day to forget all the stress we have at work, the misery, frustration and anger or sadness, and just listen to a song and smile for being grateful we're alive...with family and friends.

May I suggest "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by Ituana =)

Love,

Laine.

Because I want to.

2011-11-15T02:59:00.004+08:00

If you’ve ever thought of somebody even when you’re busy, probably that somebody means something.

I always think I’m not good enough. (Yes, I do)

But if there’s someone that sees me as being adequate to be called even only as “not bad”, I’m happy enough.

To be thought that I’m still that girl that I used to be, to be assumed that I can be helped, I saw hope.

And then the world doesn’t seem that grey anymore.

I’m always a pessimist, but I shall try my best not to anymore.

“Can I start again?”

I think if we never try something new or start all over again at least once, we’re never complete.

All tumbles down?

No, just shake it off and say I’ll do it no matter how many times it takes for me to get it correct.

Because there are people out there that wants me to stand on my own again.

I want it too.

Love,

Laine.

Play. Sing. Dance.

2011-11-11T22:03:00.001+08:00

I’m really the worst piano player among all piano teachers.

I can’t play any songs perfectly.

Does that mean I’m not a good teacher?

Does that mean I can’t do it?

Does that mean I have to accept the fact that I will never be good?

________________________

I’m not that good in singing.

But does that mean I have to stop singing?

Does that mean that I can never be good in that?

_________________________

I’m still learning.

Graduated from college, but still learning more than I used to.

I now have to play the piano, sing and at times dance.

I’m glad I’m able too. Yes, I still spend time learning, still paying that huge amount for my education (not accounting anymore, somehow grateful for it),

But that means I’m still alive.

I make a lot of mistakes,

So I am still learning.

We don't play the piano to compare. I play because I want to.
I don't sing to be heard. I sing because I have to, and I want to.
I dance because I feel like it.

I live.

Love,
Laine

0 m per sec

2011-11-11T00:39:00.002+08:00

I can already imagine how everyone will talk about 11.11.11 the next morning.
Yes, yes, it's special.
So how do we capture the moment?
I have nothing to share with anyone.

I'll take a picture on 11.11am, on 11.11.11?
Or something like that?...I've never been a fan in remembering dates that way.

I'll roll my eyes and then roll on my bed twice if I read more than 10 messages on FB about how they'll treasure the moment, love and love and love.
LOL.
Don't get me wrong, it's sweet if you have a special someone.
It's definitely special for couples that're getting married on that date.
Special to start something new that day, to create memories.
But I'm walking alone.

Love,
Laine.

Nothing is ever enough

2011-11-10T02:01:00.001+08:00

It's difficult to "build up" that "reputation" in my working place.
The competition is crazy.
It's always harder than I thought

But what do I really want remains unknown.

I'm tired of searching.

I'll probably just have to focus at my task of the week.

Love,
Laine.

Walk, for we can't stop.

2011-11-07T23:35:00.000+08:00

How are you today?

Are you happy with what you have?

Do you feel blessed for all your gifts?

I took a step forward again today to be happy. I decided that my happiness is more important than any other thing today. So I step out of the “box” and see what the world has to offer. If spending some money and time for a day could buy me a good memory to survive later on for the week or month, I decided that it is WORTH IT.

I don’t know exactly about the outcome,

I know I tried my best.

LFY and BHK went home with a big shopping bag.

I went home with two. You both please remember to wear whatever you bought tonight the next time I see you.

Love,

Laine

I believe.

2011-11-06T01:42:00.001+08:00

My heart is filled with gladness, emptiness and sorrow.

I used to sleep before midnight for the past year.

Nowadays there’s just too much things to think about, since I have no one to share with most of the time.

I don’t want to trouble my friends by asking repeated questions every day. As a matter of fact, I used to do that to ease my anxieties.

I’m saved by people all around me that care.

So I wake up every day and remind myself that I am lucky to be so blessed. I greet Penny in the morning, talk to my mom, drink a cup of Nescafe while listening to Olivia Ong’s songs and then try to move on to solve my daily matters.

I feel secure because I know there are people I can run to when I need help. Not many, but if they are sincere, that’s everything.

To people that read my blog and care for me… ( though I may not be sure ) thanks. I might know you care, or I might not. Who am I to think there’s so many that care for me anyway.

But it’s ok, I’ll know in time.

Like how Darling Grace knows that I’m lonely when I’m in my room.

It’s the special meaning behind those random gift that makes me feel..loved =)

Because friends will find you, or find a way to tell you that they’ll find a way to be with you.

They’ll talk to you once in a while.

Then there’re friends that help you when you’re in trouble.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, I voiced out my feelings.

I don’t want to die one day, and regret not telling anything I feel.

I have secrets that I keep to myself, I wonder if anyone would walk away from me once they know it. But I guess that doesn't stop me from being positive, because they made me believe that I'm not judged by my past. Is that correct?

I cry tonight, because I feel blessed.

Love,

Laine

there's more to life.

2011-11-04T00:24:00.001+08:00

Between comfort and excitement.
When you decided what you want is what you need.
You're probably on the right path.
You know what you want, you pursue it.
No worries nor regrets.
_________________________
What do I need?
After years of study, I'm now still in dilemma.
What a long path, I'm almost too tired to go on.
Music and accountancy.

I'll take my time.

Love and forgiveness.

I'll take my time.

Live and be happy,

I don't want to waste any of it.

Love,
Laine

It's dark

2011-11-02T23:51:00.000+08:00

Have you ever...truly love me, from the bottom of your heart?
Without any other intentions, other than to love me for the rest of your life?

Guess it doesn't matter.
Asking questions where answers had been proven physically without being told.

I do not love anymore.
Some time ago, and some time more.

Laine.

The random loneliness

2011-11-02T21:23:00.000+08:00

You know you’re getting somewhere when people pay to listen to you instead of you having to pay to be listened.

Or at least that’s what I’m thinking right now…because it’s a huge amount that I have to pay to any teacher right now to listen to my playing.

Finally back to practicing piano -my finger technique and basics.

*Smile*

*Sincerity is the key

*Don't discriminate
*Don't be mean

Looks like something you can read everywhere,

but it's not applicable all the time if you're never there.

A moment back.

2011-10-30T22:10:00.002+08:00

Photographs by Hew.K.H

I've never smiled this way in front of a camera for quite some time. Honestly, I cannot accept the fact that I have so much wrinkles that I have to remove it before I post it.

On deepavali, with darling Grace and high school mates at Seoul Garden, KL Festival City.

The food is horrible and expensive. [ I like my hand, shaddap]

Overtime, Setapak with them after diiner. It's definitely memorable since it's so hard to gather them together most of the time. Especially Koh and Eugene.

It's time like this you know you're actually not alone if you just look a little further. I did not realise anything, till I just keep quiet for a moment and look at them. Suddenly I realised it's been about 7 years since we graduated high school. It's amazing that we still keep in touch and laugh like crazy together.

That's Nic by my side in this picture. Blur most probably cause he's moving. But that's how friends are like at times, they're like this blurry images you sometimes don't bother to see, but they're there. They are the one that makes the imagine a little more colourful. You're this way because they're there. [ For good friends that is]

Life can be like this shattered glass. You received something beautiful on a beautiful evening, and it's already broken a while after that. Maybe it's meant to be. Because it's never meant to be yours.

Life can be interestingly hot too, if only you allow it.

Shattered once, and now I'm finding my way to make it interesting!

And so as I am drinking with this group of friends that's hard to be gathered, I found a piece of me that I'm once proud of.

The fact that I'm not afraid to be myself.

Where I can smile and laugh like crazy and am not afraid of showing my wrinkles.

We're no longer the teenagers in uniforms.

Yeap!
If only all my girls were there too at that time.
Looking forward to see all of you again.

Love,
Laine.

Autumn's deep

2011-10-28T00:31:00.000+08:00

I thought it's bad..but to be beyond that?

It's ok...I think I'm over it.
Only that obstacles never stop coming. I'll just have to keep fighting, keep getting stronger. It's just a test from god.
I did what I could again.
I'll try my best.

This obstacle right now, yes it's pretty hard. No,it's very harsh.
The harshest part in my life where I have to keep this little secret to myself and deal with it myself.
Never thought getting over a relationship could be this hard. There's still many things in many way to be managed.
But I'm now a fighter. I may be weak, but I fight back.
Just don't lie to me.

At this point, I just wanna know I'm not alone.

I might be down, but I'm standing up again. Don't give up on me just yet.

Love,
Laine.

Bula 123

2011-10-26T01:41:00.000+08:00

Dear blog,

I thought I am already past the stage of the downfall, but apparently it’s still going on.

I can’t sleep well last night. My phone kept ringing at 4am and then I have nightmares after that. My day is practically ruined.

It’s the heart. It’s the endless questions of “why-me” and the constant feeling that I am not appreciated at all. After what I’ve sacrificed and care for, there is no proper appreciation in return. It doesn’t matter. As I always say, I tried my best, and leave the rest to god.

It’s not only a person, but a few recently that makes my life difficult. I am amazed with the colorful personality of every individual, especially men. This is probably the only place they would never know they are mentioned, and not like they care anyway.

As I always say, please don’t play with my heart. i’m done hurting. I’m in pieces, and realising recently about how I’m just the second option, that freaking hurts. One after another to hurt me, really? Come on, you have better people out there to play with.

Anyway, I’m stronger than before.

Erm… I hope so? Hehe. I know there's people out there that support me. Some text me to motivate me. Some meet me when they're free. Some would advise me and cheer me up. The sweetest of all, my darling Grace that gave me a soft toy to put on my bed. ( I'm going to take a pic and blog about it next time!)

I appreciate all of this so much especially times like this.

I'm glad they show their support. I wish I could be of some help too sometimes. I wish I'm stronger. I'm trying.

Fighting!

Love,

Laine.

"You're tough"

2011-10-22T00:09:00.002+08:00

After all this, I thought I’ll be fine. No, there are still people out there that behave like assholes and I’m just so unlucky to meet one after another.

Right now after all that happened, I can once again refined and know who my best friends are.

Love,

Laine

It's never even

2011-10-21T00:11:00.001+08:00

I’m starting all over…from nothing.
That’s quite harsh for me, to know that I can have nothing that I thought I would have.
I’ve tried to be positive and all, and it works. But I have my down times…really bad ones.
To realize that I can’t recover that fast just yet from being depressed and all, that’s difficult.
______________
I forget what I am fighting for.

Laine.

Subside

2011-10-20T01:49:00.002+08:00

Fought back tears today.
For a few times that is.
Even scars take months to heal at times.
___________________

Why is it hard to be proud of me?
Is my occupation not good enough?
___________________

My heart skips a beat when I watch Real Steal.
The little boy said:
“I wanted you to fight with me. That’s all I ever wanted.”
__________________

I'll learn to love myself a little more everyday.

Love,
Laine.

Going crazy

2011-10-18T23:47:00.000+08:00

I could use some fresh flowers to ease my headache right now.
Listening to some bad piano playing for 8 hours straight is...seriously a pain.

Think twice before you think my job is easy.
Nah, you won't even care. You have a job to attend to as well! =)

Who say love and lost is better than never been loved before?
See me please.

Love,
Laine

I miss all my friends

2011-10-17T23:29:00.000+08:00

Things started off a little shaky in the morning, but I manage to get through it.

I will continue to try my best.

Grew.

Love,

Laine.

singing in my heart

2011-10-16T22:42:00.000+08:00

My friends are there for me.
They don't give shitty reasons.
If there're reasons, they're valid.
Yeap!

Not affected though I'm sick.
I will be strong.

Love,
Laine.

Yes, I'm emotional.

2011-10-13T00:59:00.000+08:00

I wouldn't know what you think right now.

Because I'm looking back while walking to the front.

I can't stop walking.

If in the midst of everything,if you're still thinking about someone..that someone means a lot.

If you would just stop whatever you're doing, to care about that person..you truly care

If you have nothing to do, yet you're still finding while you have someone,

You don't.

Oh wow, hello reality.

Love,

Laine

I need a hug

2011-10-12T00:14:00.000+08:00

Explaining what I’m doing wouldn’t make any difference right now, but I couldn’t go to sleep with such a burden in my heart.

Gosh, my blog is about 6 years old already. I never fail to blog when I’m in misery.

That probably explains a lot. I need to talk whenever I am miserable, but I just got to depend on myself.

The last time I tried to share my burden, my world collapsed.

I really wish somebody would tell me sincerely that I am not alone, or that they’ll be there. Believing is one thing, finding someone sincere like that is another.

I stand alone.

Whatever I do nowadays, I ensure that I do it sincerely. When I smile to somebody, I smile from the heart- and that makes me feel better.

Whatever decision I make, I make it because I believe in it. I make it not because I’m forced to. If I made a decision that I’m not sure of, I make sure I am going to make it right.

When I return home…when I’m finally at ease…that’s when my emotions are so overwhelming. I’m drowned by it.

It’s ok. I will still try my best. I don’t think I’m giving up so soon. ..or probably not anymore.

Be good, and you probably won’t go wrong.

And I’m still trying to obtain a peaceful state of mind.

I wish at least somebody would fix me.
Would you?

Love,
Laine

oh really?

2011-10-09T09:00:00.000+08:00

Sometimes god really knows when to test my strength and patience.

I will not let him down.
Will not let my friends down either, and my dearest family.

Sometimes we have to understand the consequences.
Our past mistakes,
and learn to grow up and learn from it.
Easy for us to just say or listen about it.
Life is so different right now.
________________________

I will just buy a teddy bear really soon.
_______________________
HAPPY DAY PPL.

( I have a lot to talk about tonight here!)

Love,
Laine

A step forward

2011-10-06T23:00:00.001+08:00

I told Nic I feel “empty” today.

He said it’s better than feeling sad; feeling empty is a good thing instead.

I think he has a point there.

Is life treating you well?

I might not be as strong as any of you, but I choose to believe I could.

I choose to believe I can be happy, I will be happy, and I want to be happy.

So I choose to believe I am happy now if I want to.

Dear god,

I've tried my best. I leave the rest to you.
_______________________________

A simple “hello” would make my day nowadays.

I wouldn’t dare to reach out to anyone, but I’ve come forward.

Now let me walk with you.

Would you welcome me with open arms?

oh so beautiful

2011-10-05T23:54:00.000+08:00

Here's the truth:-

No matter how advance technology is...texting and talking on the phone is nothing compared to a conversation face to face.

Completely different.

You're a different person when you talk to somebody face to face.

God is testing me in a lot of ways today.

I hope I did not disappoint him.

Love,

Laine.

Believe

2011-10-04T00:07:00.000+08:00

"hmm
u r a very tough gal u no dat"

That's what J told me just now.

I thought I proved the opposite.

However, it does make me feel a little happier.

There's this sudden thought in my head,

"Maybe I can do it"

Because despite the fact that I had go through some obstacles today and the past week...

I am still here.

L told me I have his support.

Thanks.

One agreed with me to NOT CARE about stuff that I could do nothing about it.

I want to believe, and I will.

_________________________

There's more to life.

How cliche.

But it's true, as I try to open my heart to other things in life.

Music's always meaningful.

But never to this extend in my life.

It's so meaningful, so deep and beautiful- it conveys messages subjectively.

I woke up this morning and think.." The rest of the day is a bonus if you just learn to be grateful that you're alive"

I don't want to be the best. I just want to be good enough.

Love,

Laine

A little prayer

2011-10-02T21:47:00.000+08:00

Uncle's in the hospital.
Hope he'll be alright.

At the end of the day, we just got to learn to let go.
Let go the anger, greed and everything.

---------------------------

Got to know more about a colleague today.
Teddy is so young, cute and talented.
Oh, he's a teenager.

Gosh, talents nowadays.
_____________________

I'm still worried about my uncle.
Let's pray that he'll be fine.

Love,
Laine.

Count it.

2011-10-02T08:57:00.000+08:00

I wrote down everything I am happy about in a paper.
I am going to put it on my piano while teaching today.
I think it's never wrong to count your blessings.
It teaches you how to appreciate them.

Will be in my studio from 10 till 6pm today.

Love,
Laine.

bula bula

2011-09-29T23:03:00.000+08:00

There I go, thinking I couldn't be any worse last week or so.
Here I am...again.

To all men out there,
If you want to flirt around or play games, never find me. I'm not your type.

I swear I would have jump off the building last night. [yada yada ]

Forever alone.

Laine.

Glitter of hope

2011-09-27T23:37:00.000+08:00

Love at the age of 24 is different than when you’re at 18 or younger.

You’ll have to commit more.

Sacrifice more.

Think more about the future, and be more serious about it.

Looks -not important anymore. [It’s never important for me since last time anyway]

When acceptance means so much.

A friend of me told me this evening, “Elaine, don’t find a boy; find a man”

Oh yes, you are so right.

I’m never a player.

So don’t play with my heart.

_____________________________

Would like to thanks to Nic for giving me such an inspiring message in the morning!

and also to everyone that spend some time to chat with me whenever they can.

I feel cared for.

_____________________________

Songs I play today:

Close to you- from Long Vacation

Chopin's piano concerto in e minor, slow movement.

JMC's song [ it's getting so annoying already]

_______________________________

I don't know why I think of tulips all of a sudden.

It's so random.

My thoughts are very random now:

- Tulips.

- Coffee

- Chocolate

- Hippo.

- White dress

- Gorgeous heels.

Whatever.

Goodnight.

Love,

Laine

Before bed.

2011-09-26T23:48:00.001+08:00

I realized that I have not much soft toys on my bed anymore.

I used to love to receive teddy bears as gifts to feel loved.

I think I need to buy some of them to put on my bed.

My world is quite…empty.

Yeah, I’m innocent like that. Shhhsh.

listening to: Enya

Love,

Laine.

Yesterday

2011-09-25T23:10:00.000+08:00

It's a nice song.

and he's so hot.

If I die young

2011-09-24T23:35:00.002+08:00

If I die young,

I would like the people that care for me to dedicate 3 hours at my funeral, for my blog.

Each will read a few that describe me best.

Read a few that they like.

What? I have to be selfish at least once, especially if I am dead.

I don’t want big drums and bells.

I want some Mariah Carey’s, Chopin’s, songs like that at night while you people are reminiscing.

I want to be in a white dress, with red roses, and a teddy bear.

And after some prayers…

…just burn.

Remember me forever.

______________________

Listening to: The Scientist (..again)

Watching:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yT5LOtQSSn8&feature=related

Love,

Laine

oh gawd

2011-09-24T19:59:00.000+08:00

I'm going to die if my heart still hurts this way.

Physically.

and emotionally.

Laine.

Clementi, Beethoven, Chopin.

2011-09-23T13:32:00.000+08:00

There are times when I think I’m done with it, but I’m not.

But I don’t want to spend time thinking about it, get hurt once again, and then cry about it at night.

Because nobody will care about it- and it’s not worth it for me to think about it too.

It’s funny how you think you have plenty of friends, and they disappear when you need them.

How they say they will be there for you, but it’s only words.

I rather have friends that say nothing, but will just be there for you.

I have = ) I do have friends like that.

I am going to spend my free time during work to count my blessings.

...and I eat my lunch today.

__________________________

Piano pieces that I sight read this week:

Clementi : Sonata in D Minor/Major, op. 40 No 3 (First movement)

Beethoven: Sonata No 8 "Pathetique", adagio cantabile movement.

Chopin: Nocture Op 9, No 2 In E flat Major.

Worth listening. =)

Love,

Laine.

Speak.

2011-09-23T00:08:00.000+08:00

Every dark cloud has a silver lining.
Song I listen to before I go to sleep tonight: LFO- Girl On Tv
Thoughts: Penny is cute.

Love,
Laine

Don't give up on me.

2011-09-20T23:20:00.000+08:00

Instead of asking for anything,
I will just stop and wait.
If anybody wants to know, ask.
At least I don't have any hopes on anyone that will disappoint myself in return.

But if I come to you,
would you please not push me away?
____________________
My heart hurts (Literally, almost like a mild heart attack) these few days.
My hands shake a lot too, and it sometimes affect me when I play the piano.
Never know there will be so many effects.
Gosh, let me have the appetite to eat food already.
Enough complains for the day.
__________________

Don't give up on me yet,
I'll get better.
I can be saved.

Love,
Laine.

I don't care what you think.

2011-09-18T22:46:00.000+08:00

That's it.
I think there's no other feeling that's worse than this.
The worst feeling in my life- series of horrible events.
I don't even bother to explain what happen.

I never bother about my the change physically,
the heart is the fragile one.

I surrender in claiming I’m good.

If there’s anyone that reads this, and feel me…care for me unconditionally,

Text me and tell me you do. I need support from people that care for me.

I’ve never ask for this before, and this time I do.

My blog is the only place you'll get the best of me.

So if I die one day,

This is the place you could remember me.

Laine.

Diamonds

2011-09-16T22:14:00.001+08:00

I cry. I still cry about it..right now.
Cry because I'm confused, how one is able to want somebody so badly one night, and leave it behind another day.
How persistent about wanting something, and then let it go easily.
I don't know which is real.
About how going around seemed better, and claimed the other way round.
But I'm not answered.
Maybe it's better that I'm not told, though I insist for an answer so badly till yesterday.

Maybe if anyone find me worth it, he'll come around.

I just want to be told that I was once really loved, and will always be.
I think that's a little too much.
But hopefully at least there will be somebody that will do so.

No, I'm not turning back. I'm just sitting down.

I'm not weak. I'm just brave enough to voice it out. that's a huge difference.

To Ryan.

2011-09-14T22:54:00.003+08:00

Thanks for the night where you came all the way to my place to comfort me and cried together last year.

We’ve been through lots of obstacles together.

How you had to wake up in the middle night because of my anxieties. To stay beside me at times when I can't take care of myself.

I can still remember the routine we used to have every night once we got home after work.

How we laughed and screamed together in the room and watched some dramas before I fall asleep beside you.

How you sat beside me when I cried all night after the assessment of my interview on February this year. Though you said nothing at all, I know you tried your best to comfort me. Your presence alone at that moment meant so much even till now.

It’s a shame all those came to an end.

It’s not always about the bad things when it comes to you, in my heart.

I hope that at least when you read this; you would think of me this way as well. That is if at this time, you bother to read this. I really do hope you still would.

Thanks for everything.

Love,

Laine.

Would you cry in the night for me.

2011-09-13T22:55:00.002+08:00

Watched "If Only",
Listened to Heart Vacancy.

If only I can hear this from the heart.

I hear your heart, cry for love.
But you won’t let me make it right.
You were hurt, but I decided,
That you were worth the fight
Every night, you lock up.
You won’t let me come inside.
But the look, in your eyes.
Says that I could turn the tide.
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart.
I can tell you can fit one more.
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart.
I don’t care who was there before.

I, hear your heart cry for love,
Then you act like there’s no room,
Room for me, or anyone.
Don’t disturb is all I see.
Close the door, turn the key.
On everything that we could be.
If loneliness would move out,
I’d fill the vacancy.
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart,
In your heart, in your heart, in your heart.

This ain’t the Heartbreak Hotel,
Even though I know it well.
Those no shows, they sure tell,
In the way you hold yourself

Love this song.

Love,
Laine.

Elements

2011-09-13T09:49:00.000+08:00

You have never truly admit that you're wrong.
You keep defending yourself.
How I wish you would at least know your mistakes.
That is why I stand outside the circle.

Laine.

"Stop"

2011-09-12T22:11:00.000+08:00

I question myself most of the time, whether I am good enough to be loved.

Or why is it not worth fighting for?

I'll try my best to stop questioning myself.

It’s stupid to cry especially when I am crying alone.

But I’m not going to lie to the world that I am very happy right now.

It’s just that I am sane enough to understand the pain and endure it while I’m seeking for comfort.

I understand that seeking for company outside while I’m lonely will bring me nowhere.

Yes, it heals but only temporarily. I don’t want to regret it when I’m old..When I've spent most of my time on things that're not worth it. Probably tried it.

That is why I’m in my room now, blogging after I’ve talk to my friend about this.

To those that care for me: I’m sorry if I’ve disturbed you in anyway. Hehe.

My heart hurts exceptionally much today.

Still with love,

Laine

Confidence is the ultimate beauty.

2011-09-11T21:04:00.002+08:00

F.I.R. - 月牙湾
Listening to this song makes me miss those days when I would just spend hours listening to songs at my study table.

I will then try my best to study, write notes, highlight the key words and then try to resist the urge of falling asleep. Gosh…I really miss those days.
One thing doesn’t change; my friends are still my friends.
And I love them, no matter what.
I don’t have faith in that other kind of love anymore.
It's ok.
Love will always find a way.

Laine.

One of us.

2011-09-11T08:36:00.000+08:00

I'm going to try my best in my performance today, despite the lack of practice [ because I just realised that is it today like 12 hours ago..]
I will hang on, and work till 8pm today.
All for people that care about me.

Laine.

Hah!

2011-09-10T21:45:00.001+08:00

You know what?

I am stronger than you think I am.

Yeap.

Because I let myself fall, and get back up right after that.

I'm loved for that strength.

Love,

Laine.

Nightmares

2011-09-10T06:46:00.000+08:00

I think I never slept well for the past few days.
Especially last night. Never really sleep at all...

And when I did, I keep having nightmares about him having a new relationship.
How I keep running non stop, wanting to run away from it.
What's wrong with me?!

Damn it.
It's 6.30 am now. I can't sleep anymore. Have to go on till 7pm today.
Gotta hang on.

When guys only cry for sex. That's random.

2011-09-09T22:02:00.000+08:00

Laine’s principles effective 9.9.2011:
For girls:-
Never be too close with a guy that’s in a relationship. Never call him sweetheart or anything like that. It’ll hurt the girl freaking bad.

If you find the need to go out with a person of the opposite sex that badly even you have a special someone, that someone isn’t special.
If you’re sorry, show that you’re sorry.
Being cool isn’t cool.
Yeah.

I think it's more like a reminder to myself.

Random fact: I love everybody!

Love,
Laine.

2011-09-09T10:19:00.003+08:00

In a hosp now, waiting to get my medicine.
Have to to wait for hours, but I've learn to find joy in waiting. Oh wow. Look at myself.
I'm actually sort of smiling to myself at this point for being so silly.

Sometimes, we have to learn to see our own mistakes instead of blaming the others.
Yes.
You might be right at one point, but sometimes the bigger picture tells a greater story.
Let go your ego, acknowledge your mistake. Forgive the others.
then at this point of your life, obstacles seem easier to go through.
So do whatever we think is right.
We judge it from what happened, and what is happening.
Not from what the others think or talk,
But from what we think is right for the others n ourselves.

When whatever I did makes me feel happy without guilt, I think I did the right thing.
I did no harm to the others.
I learn to care about everyone more. I start to think if whatever I did satisfy myself and ppl around me.

It's not always about myself.

I think I just have to let it be.
I can do nothing anymore..
I think my pain heal better this way.
Went for yoga too.

Hm...today, I'm going to make sure my students love music so much they can learn to express their emotions through the piano.

I want them to have a good time, and think that ms goh introduce them to a place they have never been.
Do forgive me if there's a lot of error in this post.

And thanks to whoever that give me a comment.at least I don't feel alone.
listening to: better in time, leona lewis.

Love,
Laine.

A phase

2011-09-08T23:12:00.002+08:00

I don't know how many days I've been single. It doesn't matter anymore.
Things between us...wait, there's nothing between us anymore.
I learn to live without facebook, and more to finding some activites that heal me from the inside.
I read again.
I learn to live in peace with myself and with others.

He's cold when he answer the phone when I ask him serious matters. Well, it's more like a yes and no reply.
Nothing else.
No warm greetings, or a sign of concern.
I guess it's time I accept it truthfully that he doesn't care about me anymore.

Oh well, it's time I accept the fact that at least I've tried to love someone so much, much more than anything else with my heart that it hurts so badly.
and now that I feel it, acknowledge it, and see what happens after it...
I try to walk away.

To anyone that reads this... appreciate what you have, or what you used to have. I don't know if anyone reads my emo blog anymore. Drop a comment will you? =)

Love,
Laine.

Arghhhh

2011-09-05T22:41:00.000+08:00

#Day 7- A reminder

Laine,
Admit it, you're just stupid in believing again...that there's a happy ending.
Remind yourself that no matter how much you've cried, you will never get him back.
You walked out of this relationship. You should be the stronger one. Why think back those things again?!
So disappointed.
Very, very disappointed.

Well at least you didn't meet him or something and say something stupid.
Go knock your head on a table or something to get back to your senses.

DAMN IT. YOU HAVE A PERFORMANCE TO PREPARE! IT'S SEPTEMBER ALREADY!
WHY DO YOU KEEP FORGETTING?!!

Scribbles and improvisation.

2011-09-04T22:48:00.003+08:00

It's a sudden thing. Don't ask me why- I'm somehow JMC inspired at certain elements. All readers are not allowed to laugh. It's so sudden and natural I didn't even give a second thought. The improvisation and everything. It's on 1st try.

#Day 6

Ichi Ichi ____ ___

Ichi Ichi ____ ____

Ichi Ichi it’s midnight

Say goodnight.

We once proved that love is a miracle

We danced our way through all obstacles

You stood by me

At most of the difficult time

I was fragile

Time passed

I’m no longer the brightest star in your sky

You said you can never understand me

As you land among the stars
and I could never understand all your lies that hurts

No,

I will never forget the good memories

I just choose to let go the pain if I would
and forgive

No,

We can never turn back time

but at least friendship means I’ll have the best of you,

Never choose the dark road ahead.

I wish you well.

Very JMC probably. Might as well named it as "ichi ichi night". lol.

Thought I write something here so that At least there's people that would know something about me if I die someday. =.=

Recorded a video on my 1st try of improvisation. Hopefully I can upload it by tomorrow.

I fought back my tears today. =)

Love,

Laine