...

Dear god,
Today is the day where I do not have an adequate preparation for my mid term test. I am aware of the consequences- that if I fail this, I might have to repeat one more year of my studies. I am aware that I am supposed to read thoroughly, since my subjects are all tough now.
Dear god,
I really did not do this on purpose. Things happen, and I’m not tough enough to handle them. It is me to be blamed for not being mentally strong. It is also myself to be blamed for not having an early preparation for it.
It’s too late to regret. I hope you do forgive me.
And give me a second chance by letting me pass my mid term this time…and I promise to have a better preparation for the finals.

Love,
Laine

...::For you* from within::...

I complained.
We argued.
I’m frustrated, confused, angry and miserable.
He had enough of my attitude.
I wanted to end everything.
I hesitated. He means a lot to me.
The next day, he said it’s time to end everything.
It was the 10th of July, about 10am. I was sitting in the middle of a lecture hall listening, trying very hard to concentrate as my business analysis lecturer is talking. It’s like a dream where I don’t belong.
I left the lecture hall.
It took me hours to figure out what is happening. I begged him to meet me that night, in hope that we’ll able to solve everything. After trying several times, he finally agreed to meet me. I offer plenty of solutions to his problems.
He rejected that offer. He said it is best for us to just end it. It’s just unacceptable to me. He said he could not give me what I want and that this relationship will not work this way. He said my attitude is unacceptable.
I tell him I do not want anything except for him. I will change my attitude. It was only when I finally broke down in tears that I’m in his arms, given a chance to make a promise to be a better person in the future and be loved only if I’m becoming a better person.
Why am I blogging about something so personal?
I’m reminding myself what happened, making this permanent and will be a reminder of what I want, what I need, and who I really love that I’m willing to make sacrifices and promises that will probably change everything in the future.
LKH, you’re the first person that makes me suffer so much when it comes to love. I suffer because I felt true love. Because you make me feel as though I’m the happiest girl on earth when I’m with you, I suffer when you chose to end it. You also make me feel as though I’m given a chance to be a better person when you change your mind (for I don’t know what reason it is) You are certainly a man that is capable to kill me slowly from the inside.
Why am I saying this?
I want you to know how important you are, and how much you mean to me.
I’m sorry if I hurt you in the past.
I do not know if I’m able to change, but I certainly will try my best.
No doubt, I’m facing difficulties. I dare not to tell you how I feel, I dare not to sms you for I’m afraid I will disturb your work, I dare not to call you for I’m afraid I’ll be yelling at you. I am afraid the next time I’m with you; I dare not to show you my true self because I might be scolding you for no reason again.
It is easy for me to fake it, to lie to you that I am a nice person and all.
But I choose to be honest.
I will NOT fake it. I will change from the inside. Not only from the outside.
And I hope that you’ll give me some time.
For me to change from the inside…
And to love you again,
And for you to love me…
From within.

Love,

Laine~

the light..in the dark (part 2)

When what seems to be love is slowly fading,

To a place where she doesn’t belong,

and it’s not within her grasp,

It’s not within her control.

They say it is the journey that matters,

And what you see is what you get...

I searched, and I found...but that is not the end.

This is where the story begins...My love story.
I convince myself,
I convince the others,
But I am not convinced.
It is as though I don’t know at what state I’m in,
I’m within the norm,
But I’m not fulfilled from the within at times.
Of choosing between happiness which contains pain and feeling nothing at all.
The answer is pretty obvious to me. Of course I rather feel both than feeling nothing at all! But sometimes it’s difficult to know which I am feeling more- the happiness or the pain. IF such feelings are countable, I would say; to gain 1kg of happiness = going through 100 kg of sadness before it. *sigh*
OR, for the first few years in love, you will have to go through 10000kg of sadness in order to gain 100 kg of love. Then if you are lucky, you will then experience only love, or only suffer 1 kg of sadness when you gain 1000000000 of love.
But feelings can’t be quantified.
I’m striving for what seems to be unclear again , I hope there will be at least somebody in this world that understands what the hell I’m talking about.

It is painful to listen to love songs. It’s more painful to watch romantic movies- because I also dreamt of a happy love ending which I believe I can never get it. Probability of getting my romantic dream= 0.01. [Sorry, I’m very mathematical tonight for no reason]
You know those romantic Taiwan dramas that always have a happy ending? It’s unhealthy for me…because a stupid girl like me would feel sad for not getting it. But it’s nice to watch!
Nevermind… I can always day dream about it.
Laine’s secret: I always day-dream in lecture about how I’m able to get a romantic getaway in Bali within this 2 years…and that there would be plenty of roses in my hotel with a balcony that’s facing the beach…and walk along the beach and watch the sunset with the one I love. That’s just the starting. The mainpoint… I’m not sharing for now~!!! Wuahaha. Saya sudah gila.

Feel the love tonight…

Xoxo,
Laine.

it's just me..again.

12.40am
Feeling slightly irritated with the fact that there is only 24 hours a day. There’s so little time, yet I still can’t focused in my studies.
I guess sometimes life is about enjoying the very moment…and not what’s coming. If we keep looking forward, we forgot who or what is beside us that accompany us all this while. Yes, we always listen to stuff like this, but how many of us would actually appreciate what we have?
So I need to do nothing and enjoy the air I breathe at this second.
And the next 6 hours before I get ready to go to college.
Oh my god…I have a presentation at 8 am tomorrow!!!
I don’t know why I can’t sleep. Oh my god. My backbone is so painful that I feel like dying. Even sitting straight would kill me. I don’t know what the hell happen to me. My left leg is so weak this evening that I can’t even walk properly -.- it’s as if I just lose my left leg. What is happening to my bone?! Not to mention my flu and backache. Blah blah blah…
I’m in misery.
The world of love is getting further away from my sight. I’m confused. I need confirmation. I need reassurance. Although I will learn to appreciate and enjoy what I have, I guess I have to take a look at the future as well.
The bottom line?
I’m stuck in between the very moment, and the future.
I don’t know what I’m talking about again.
I wish I have a slice of strawberry cake and a glass of orange juice.
I want papa john’s pizza. I wish I could go to Times Square for Papa john’s for lunch, then sing k and shop around… haih.
It’s time to stop dreaming.
Or I shall continue in my sleep…
Love ,
Laine.

The responsibility of a teacher.

I have been teaching for the past 4 years (Which I can’t believe it myself…that it has been so long) and I had the experience of teaching a range of students during this period- From a few hundreds of primary school students that I taught in a Malay school around my housing area temporarily, 3 year old piano student, adult students, to secondary school students with various characteristics. Back then, I am teaching 8 classes for standard 3, and I handled good students as well as horrible students that run around like crazy when I am trying to teach. Yet, I still have a way to handle them, teach them, and deliver the knowledge that I am supposed to. I am still capable of handling those crazy situations- I can make them keep quiet most of the times and understand what I taught. I seek advice from Divya and I made the class as interesting as possible. I taught good students as well, which they passed their exam with flying colours. I do not choose my students. I accept students with any type of results- AS LONG AS they are willing to co-operate with me.

But what happen today is simply disappointing and overwhelming.

I accepted a student that is about to face his final examination in 3 months time, and he knows nothing. I am supposed to teach 3 years syllabus in 3 months time. I accepted the challenge, I accepted the responsibility. I really try my best. I believe not everyone is willing to this. I am doing this because he can't find any teacher to do this. He is smart. But he gives no co-operation which gives me a lot of pressure. The worse part: Time arrangement of class, his progress and everything – I assumed a student at such age is able to communicate with his parents. But his parent come after me today, and asks for explanation. (With a horrible mood) only to realize that her son is lying to her all this while about the homework, and did not give proper explanation of the time arrangement. He gave me conformation. Then this means he is lying to me as well…I don’t know what to say. What? Am I supposed to call every week to report about the progress of a secondary school student? I didn’t know he is lying. Why I can't speed up my teaching? She asked. I have to explain the concept that a student's progession is not only the teacher's responsibility, but it also depends on the co-operation the student gives. Mathematics is not about how fast a teacher can teach, it's not about how much tuition you have. It's about doing your homework, practise makes perfect. =.=

Probably I am to be blamed for the fact that I did not give a progress report. But it is the first month. And the mom knows better about her son’s behavior. And a teacher should not be blamed. (This is what M said)
I don’t know. Once she knows that her son is lying to her, she just breaks down and cry. This makes me feel VERY bad…Then I have to make the student promise his mom that he'll do his homework, and tell her that I will try my best, blah blah blah.
I still feel very bad now.I don’t know what to do.
I really do what I can.This really teaches me a lesson.Do a progress report to the parents no matter you think there is a need or not -.-Even the student is old enough to handle the problem himself.

Actually, this is not the point. I'm just simply...dissapointed..and I need some time to heal. My effort is not recognised. They don't get it. Sometimes, it is not for the money. The pressure I'm having, the effort made, the intention, the time I used for this is way beyond it.
I am really trying my best.


Love,
Laine~

It's simple yet complicated

Monday
Late at night.
Current mood: Happy..(but tired)
Listening to: My sweetie by boA.

I have this weird feeling…I don’t know what it means. Have been downloading lots of old songs… (Since I’ve formatted my pc...i missed my old songs!) and when I listen back to those songs… I feel happy and…weird. I feel like going back to the past (except that I want to bring my hubby back along… =P)
And when i listen to all my new Chinese songs that I downloaded…I feel…’new’. Lol. I know this sounds pretty weird. I felt that I’ve changed a lot. I listen to a lot of Chinese songs nowadays..thanks to my hubby. It’s..weird In a way..i don’t know. This is also because I’m using a Chinese software to download songs nowdays.
Hm..the feeling of listening and speaking mandarin/cantonese 24/7 is… acceptable…
A different feeling, it’s ‘fresh’…
Hm…
Most importantly…I’m still happy.. =)
I don't know why I'm blogging something like that.
Maybe I'm a boring person.
Who cares? =P

Love,
Laine~