White light.

“It’s ridiculous”

But my insecurities aren’t getting away, with my constant worries about my appearance and other possible things you can ever think of. Things got a little out of control this time, and I know it well. Yes, some tried to convince me that I look fine. (Thank you for your effort) Maybe all I need is some confidence which I find it to be far from my reach.

Please don’t judge me. It’s not easy blogging about this. I know my readers are people that care about me. They remember things that I wrote, little details that I mentioned. I feel cared when I know that. Not many people, but having friends like that’s better than having a group of heartless people.

On the same date (22.2) last year, I was struggling to understand and absorb all information given by my trainer in Yamaha. The exact day where my confidence was so low I felt like there’s nothing left in me. This year, it’s as if I never improve. Disappointing I would say, but I will never conclude it because it’s just the beginning of something new.

Yes, there is hope in me. Among all insecurities, fear, anger and sadness, there is this glitter of hope. Here is how I’m going to feel better. I must love myself, because I need to love the rest. Here’s how I’m going to think:-

Hey dear,

I know you’re very tired from work and all, and I’m sorry for disturbing you at night. I know you had to end the conversation for tomorrow is going to be a long day for you. This time, I’m going to learn to trust you. I look fine. Yes, I look fine. Whenever I think my appearance isn’t attractive, I’m going to recall all the nice things you told me sincerely.

We got to admit that both you and I will be busy all the time. If there’s any free time, you will have to take your rest. We wouldn’t have much time to be together, and I have to accept the fact that there will be times I have to face this all alone. This is good. It means I love you without being too dependent on you.

As long as you remind me all the time about US- how you feel, how you think, and how it’s going to be in the future. As long as you’re not sick with this routine to reassure me of what we have. Remind me how you think I look. Tell me all the time, sincerely.

Because the affirmations are the light you’re talking about. I’m always in the dark, and I need some light all the time to keep me in track. I know you’ve accepted the fact that I’m always emotional and feel insecure. So this is how you’re going to help me- Remind me.

You know I love you.

________________________

I’m going to get a diary, and write it down every time you compliment me…So that I don’t have to be in doubt again.

There’s only one way to solve this.

I’m going to write positive statements in a clean sheet of paper, and I want you to get stickers and stick it whenever you agree with it. Or sign it.

Can YOU? Yes, you – my readers.

YES, I'M SERIOUS.

I’ll bring it around. Ask it from me. I’ll get myself a gift when there’s more 10 stickers each time. ( shh, I’m not childish, I’m just too tired from being a little too mature in the wrong way)

Don't make fun of it. Or I'll hate you forever. 

Love,

Laine.

  

Him

He was on a business trip. I followed because I want to be with him for the rest of the day after his meetings in Penang.

Went to Straits Quay with my friend, Mable when he's working. Charlie Brown's coffee is actually quite good. Not in KL yet, that's sad. Penang's actually a good place to live sides KL.

The menu is too cute.

That's us in Kek Lok Si Temple after lunch.

Then he joined.

Bought myself a rainbow cake (Love it a little too much, especially with coconut flakes and cute toppings) and macaroon on V-Day. Forgot to take a picture of it before I eat. Isn't life like a rainbow cake? It's colourful, and every colour has its own taste. Together, it's a whole new flavour. It's your choice how you want to taste it. It's only attractive when there's so many different colours together.

Loving Eat.Pray.Love again and watched the movie for the second time last few nights. I even bought the book a few days ago, because I know I have to. It heals me.

So that's how I spent my V-day. Meet up with my friend, have a walk together, bought a rainbow cake for dessert at night and chat away till it's midnight in the hotel with him- doing absolutely nothing. Wasn't that bad after all, it's something different from the idea of the general commersialized celebration where there's overpriced dinner and roses.

It isn't perfect, we have our problems.

But I'm with him that night.

Laine.

Love

"Yes, love can bring out the best in us... the confidence to move on, the courage to tell the truth, the strength to keep hoping, but sometimes what surprises us the most isn't what love brings out but who it brings back."

-Desperate Housewives (episode 13)

Think and feel.

“Instructions for freedom":
1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions.
2. You have just climbed up and above the roof, there is nothing between you and the Infinite; now, let go.
3. The day is ending, it's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.
4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. You are being here is God's response, let go and watch the stars came out, in the inside and in the outside.
5. With all your heart ask for Grace and let go.
6. With all your heart forgive him, forgive yourself and let him go.
7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering then, let go.
8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cold night, let go.
9. When the Karma of a relationship is done, only Love remains. It's safe, let go.
10. When the past has past from you at last, let go.. then, climb down and begin the rest of your life with great joy.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Love,
Laine

You have something.

11.20 am. 

Outside Family Cereal S/B in Penang.

Valentine's Day is definitely overrated.

I didn't have any celebration whatsoever, I just have the chance to visit Penang and meet my friend there.

It’s always not the fancy gifts or overpriced flowers. It’s also not the lovely messages or the arguments in between.

It’s what happened after that.

If you’re still unhappy after all the lovely celebrations, it’s just not meant to be.

If you’re still loved, and love after all the bad experiences, you just made your love stronger on V-day.

If you love everything you’re having with a loving partner, you’re blessed.      

If you started with nothing and end with nothing, god probably decides that it’s just not the right time just yet.

I started off with something, broken, mending it halfway, half of it still requires some love to heal.

I have nothing to begin with, but I think my heart just found something it needs.

It’s waiting for you.

When everything's not right.

I want to give myself hope that things would change.

I tried, I can’t.

I wish things will turn out to be better the next day, but I’ll already have nightmares the night before.

It’s tiring.  I don’t even feel like telling anyone about it.

Will it change anything if I tell you?

That’s if I’m able to talk to you, because there’re difficulties communicating with anyone lately.

 Laine.

Tonight.

Some facts I don't want to know

They say a woman starts aging at the age of 25, where collagen production within a body starts to decrease.
That is why wrinkles and everything starts to be more visible from the age of 25.

So women at the age of 25 and above are always encourage to use anti-wrinkle skin care products. To maintain looking young, some eat collagen-rich food ( from the most expensive food such as bird's nest to collagen drinks)

What I do? I sleep and drink more water everyday.

KILL ME.

I DON'T WANT TO START AGING!

-EXTREMELY DEPRESSED MOOD-

Don't remind me of my age.

Laine.